Saturday, June 17, 2006
There once was this garden goon that the neighbors all called “The Grand Bub.” He lived at the hilltop chalet address of Seven North. “The Grub,” as he was known to all the guys in the Brotherhood, was legendary for the varieties of giant, gangster tomatoes that grew on his rooftop garden. Every year, the month of August rolled around and, sure enough, neighbors could see the Grand Bub on his rooftop, bent over his tomato plants, measuring his crop’s circumferences—just for the hell of it. After nodding his approval, he’d always say “All grown up!” Then the Grand Bub asked for help from his wife, who worked part time as a bodyguard. Together, the two harvested the giant tomatoes some of which got to weigh around 200 pounds. But the sizes never daunted his wife; she’d make all her famous tomato recipes, such as Tomato and Thunder Soup, Monster Casserole, and Colossal Salsa. Then, on the night of the August harvest moon, the Grand Bub invited everyone from the greater metropolitan area to come on up to his rooftop. The Grub held an annual sock-hop dance party at which everyone would dance in their socks over a rooftop dance floor that was just rolling full of giant, gangster tomatoes. The dances started way back when The Grand Bub’s Godfather Boss discovered that a bath in tomato juice washes off the skunk smell. Thanks to the Grand Bub and his harvest party, every resident in the greater metropolitan area enjoys an entire year of tomato-fruit-fragrant feet! For that reason, The Grub is tight with the Law and therefore all his dark crimes and misdemeanors go unpunished. Oh, and his wife’s recipes also come in handy for big parties and when The Grub is in need of bribing the officials.