Malapropisms

George is a reporter for Violent Times News. He’s the paper’s Bureau Chief in Iraq. He worked so hard to secure the respectable position. And he almost lost the opportunity when a bus ran him over on 5th Avenue. He nearly died: suffered trauma, remained in a coma, provoked his malignant melanoma, and had metal pins and plates installed in his back, in his head, and throughout his soma. George recovered so admirably, and through the great pain he was still able to realize a successful journalism career. Violent Times News always turns up award-winning headlines from Iraq because they only assign their best reporters to the front lines. That’s why, as soon as he recovered, the paper sent George Gutsmansoni. While in Iraq, George kept in touch with his doctor over email. He wrote a message that read: “Is there anything I can do to avoid blood infection in these conditions? There are car bombs everyday.” His doctor offered only a one-line reply. The doctor wrote, “Perhaps you’d benefit from more stable conditions.” The Bureau Chief turned to Alex Tibbs, his staff reporter who has been in Iraq for the full three years now, and asked, “What do you make of the doctor's cryptic message?” The reporter shuddered, “Cryptic? Ah!” He screamed, dropped to his knees, and crawled under the Chief’s desk for cover. “Get out from under there, Tibbs.” The Chief crouched low. “What the hell bit you?” Tibbs grinds his teeth and trembles. “Sorry Chief. But I don't interpret that line as cryptic; rather, your doctor’s words are apocalyptic!” “Tibbs, you’re overreacting!” “No, I beg your pardon. I’m nuclear reacting, sir.”