Wednesday, March 07, 2007

A Legendary Leak

Tamara Rainy met a guy in a bar.

“Hi. My name is Ted.” He said. Then he went ahead and made a preemptive strike and kissed her smack on the neck.

Later, they went on an official date, and Tamara got to know Ted better. Maybe she liked him? Maybe this time she wouldn’t have to walk away before confiding in this lover that she used to be a man?

But Ted Grove was a Professor of Scandal Management at PL University, so maybe he’d be able to handle the truth in a nuanced way? So Ted and Tamara carried on a passionate relationship, well, until it violated federal statute.

One day Ted opened up and told Tamara that he used to work with the CIA. The Professor told Tamara everything he knew.

“There are bizarre facts that Americans do not know about the war in Iraq.” Ted said. Then he told Tamara everything he knew.

She intended to tell him that she used to be a man, but after learning the whole truth about the war in Iraq, Tamara’s gender transformation seemed a petty detail.

Months later, Tamara found herself on the witness stand in a high profile trial. Prosecutors wanted the whole truth. Tamara didn't know the purpose of most of their questions. They never asked about the most important things, but wanted to know all the details about the night Tamara met Ted at the bar and what she made of the way Ted relieved himself in the gutter outside afterward. She told all she knew; her own testimony bewildered her.

Tears fell from Tamara's eyes when the jury found the professor guilty of his role in a leak.

Later, Tamara visited the professor in prison. He was crying. She said, “Oh, Sweetie. Have no worries. You’re so accomplished. All of America was watching your trial about a leak. That’s one helluva public urination; now, you’re the envy of all big pricks! I should know; I used to have one.”

The professor wiped his eyes dry with Tamara’s silk hankie. He went back to his cell, and she sighed a big sigh of relief to finally get the truth off her chest. Now, that wasn’t so bad.

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